In the tradition of those awful 'humour' pieces that fly around the internet every few months, here is a joyless list of 12 things that help you self-diagnose geriatra:

1. You die of old age.

2. You haven't made any new friends in twenty years.

3. People ignore you all the time.

4. Your organs have started to fail through no fault of your own.

5. You can't remember things very well.

6. Your skin doesn't stretch properly any more.

7. All the television stars who entertained you as a child are dead.

8. Playboy Playmates are young enough to be your grand-daughter.

9. You don't have any money or a sports car or an attractive partner and you never will.

10. People speak to you very slowly and assume that you are stupid.

11. Ayn Rand's philosphy of Objectivism becomes less and less palatable with every passing day.

12. You realise that everything you ever cared about was intended solely to take your money away from you.

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Me, two seconds older