Inappropriate Hosts for Cookery Programmes
One: Christopher Walken

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN and JOE PESCI are in the KITCHEN. JOE PESCI is stirring a pot of some unidentified substance.

Walken: You better stir that, Joe. Stirr the pudding
Pesci: Alright, I'm stirring it, I'm stirring it.
Walken: You're not stirring it. Stirr it harder, Joe. I want to SEE YOU STIRRING.
Pesci: Hey - you go fuck yourself. Just fuck yourself, man. You fucking stirr it.
Walken: Stirr the fucking pudding, you fuck.

HARVEY KEITEL walks over.
Keitel: Hey. What's going on?
Pesci: This fuck thinks I'm not stirring the fucking pudding.
Walken: You keep your ass out of this, Harvey.
Keitel: You disparaging my friend Joe? He's the finest fucking pudding-stirrer in the fucking neighbourhood. You ain't got nothin' on him. What the fuck you doin', anyway?
Walken: It's my fucking show. You got a problem with that?
Keitel: Fuck yes, I got a problem.
Walken: What's your problem?
Keitel: Your attitude's my fucking problem.
Walken: My attitude's your fucking problem?
Keitel: Fuck yes, your attitude's my fucking problem.

The PUDDING bubbles
Pesci: Hey, guys, ease off. I think the pudding's done. Walken: Shit.



Two: Mark E. Smith
Fade up to KITCHEN. MARK E SMITH is smoking a fag. An assistant is doing the cookery. The Assistant is trying to be cheerful.

Mark: Right, you want to put that stuff on the plate there, next to the chips. Put the stuff on the plate. Next to the stuff.
Assistant: And we swish the chicken around in the wok, just like so!
Mark: (sarcastic) 'And we swish the chicken around in the wok'. You cunt.
Assistant: Look, what's your problem?
MARK takes a drag on his cigarette.
Assistant: Well?
MARK looks at him. There is a PAUSE.
Assistant: And...
Mark: (sarcastic) 'Well?'. You fuckin' starting something?
Assistant: No, I just want...
Mark: Fuck off. You're just so fucking useless.
There is a pause.
Assistant: And for a final touch you can add...
Mark: You're a total cunt.
Assistant: ...you can add parsley...
Mark: You listening to me?
Assistant: ...you can add...
Mark: Right, you fucker!

MARK picks up a pan and LUNGES at the ASSISTANT. There is PANDEMONIUM.